Dear guy who just made my burrito:
Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients from one end to the other, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM TO ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans cannot usually dislocate their jaws to accommodate such methods. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito and not a multi-stage rocket to the planet Fucking Disgustingupiter.
And guess what else, player? You can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer this nonsense. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.
UPDATE: To everyone who keeps saying “WHOEVER WROTE THIS THANK YOU”
You’re welcome.
And to everyone compelled to say “FIRST WORLD PROBLEM CALM THE FUCK DOWN ITS A BURRITO BITCH UR A FAG WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO MAD”:
That’s the joke.
-luckyshirt
hahahahahahah I had to reblog!! :P
Source: luckyshirt
Notes
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guardianoftime reblogged this from draaagon and added:
I simply circumvent this problem… …by not eating burritos. Shit’s nasty.
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Funniest explanation ever
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I once cried because the lady working in the cafeteria of my school gave me scalloped potatoes without any of the cheese...
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About
Hi Everyone! My name is Gloria!
In this blog I will be posting some of my daily eats, weight loss updates, and a bit here and there about my sometimes crazy life. :D
FIRST POST HERE
Some of the details:
Im 23 years old & 5'3'' in height.
Highest Weight: 232 lbs.
Tumblr Starting Weight: 210 lbs.
Mini Goal: 180 lbs.
2nd Mini Goal: 160 lbs.
Long-term Goal: 145 lbs.
Weigh-ins:
• May 17 - 206.8 lbs.
• May 18 - 206.0 lbs.
• May 19 - 205.2 lbs.
• May 25 - 200.0 lbs.
• May 26 - 199.4 lbs.
• June 16 - 205.0 lbs.
• June 17 - 203.0 lbs.
• June 23 - 200.0 lbs.
• July 1 - 199.0 lbs.
• July 7 - 196.0 lbs.
• July 14 - 192.0 lbs.
• July 21 - 190.0 lbs.
• July 28 - 190.4 lbs.
• August 4 - 188.6 lbs.
• August 11 - 186.4 lbs.
• August 18 - 183.0 lbs.
• August 25 - 181.0 lbs.
• September 1 - 179.6 lbs.
• September 8 - 179.4 lbs.
• September 9 - 177.4 lbs.
• September 15 - 175.8 lbs.
• September 22 - 172.6 lbs.
• September 29 - 172.2 lbs.
• October 06 - 168.4 lbs.
• October 13 - 166.2 lbs.
• October 20 - 164.0 lbs.
• October 27 - 163.6 lbs.
• November 03 - 163.6 lbs.
• November 10 - 162.4 lbs.
• November 17 - 160.6 lbs.
• November 24 - 159.0 lbs.
• December 01 - 157.2 lbs.
• December 09 - 158.2 lbs.
• December 15 - 158.0 lbs.
• December 23 - 156.8 lbs.
2012 RE-START
THIS TIME I AM REACHING GOAL & STAYING THERE :)
• January 11 - 180.6 lbs.
Hope everyone can join me on my weight loss journey! and If anyone needs support, Im here! ♥
Feel free to ask me anything! :D
Email: gloriouseats@gmail.com
p.s. I don't take credit for all of the pictures posted on my blog, some of them I don't own.
Ask me Anything
